The Girl I Had Been Hoping For

I can't believe that it has been 32 years since you stole my heart. I didn't have the luxury of ultrasounds to tell me what gender I was having. But I had 2 great boys and I really, really wanted a little girl and there you were with your big eyes and head of dark hair. How could I help but give you my heart? When they got us back to our room I had to unwrap you and make sure you were the girl I had been hoping for. You were then and you still are--THE GIRL I HAD BEEN HOPING FOR.

You fit so easily into our home because you were so good---The calming effect in a house of boys. You were the peacemaker from the get go. And loved music from day one. You whistled around the house from the time you were able to walk. You sat and listened to daddy's stereo through those huge head phones from the time you could hold them on your head.

You have always been "my hero" You have accomplished things I would never even attempt. You will probably not understand how proud I am of you until your girls fulfill your dreams for them. And that is just what you have done for me. Fulfilled every dream I ever had for you--a college education, a mission (I didn't even know that was one of my dreams), a temple marriage, the cutest little family that is being raised in a Christ-centered home. What more could I ever ask or hope for? You have struggled through some personal trials and have come out on top. You are my right arm, my rock and my strength and I love you more than life itself.

Thank you for being that girl I had been hoping for and more.
Happy Birthday, Butterfly!!!!

DO ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN?

If you believe the name of the movie, then I guess they do.

Yes, it's true. Sessna is dead. She died about 3:30 this morning in the middle of the living room floor. We think her lungs filled up with fluid. She has been coughing for quite awhile but the last couple of days it was worse. But she was still eating and still wanting Chad to throw her toy just yesterday. She cried out last night and woke us up. I thought she was having a bad dream and yelled at her to be quiet, but Chad got up and she was about gone. I knelt down by her and she convulsed a couple of times and it was over. So a 14 year part of our family has gone on to wherever dogs go.

May I make a suggestion to you who might have a daughter that wants a dog. Get her one before she is a senior in high school. Let her have one while they are growing up together. Brooke had Sessna from Christmas until she went to college the next fall. You can't take pets to college. Then she went on her mission. You can't take pets on missions. Then she got married and went back to college. You still can't have pets at college and if your husband says you can't have one in your house then the dog stays at home with the parents for the full 14 years. We have taken care of her, cleaned up after her, lost shoes she chewed up, fixed furniture she tore up and now we have to miss her. Who made up that dumb rule?

My dad used to sing an Elvis Presley song called Old Shep. I would almost cry everytime he sang it.

When I was a boy and old Shep was a pup

Over hills and meadows we'd stray

Just a boy and his dog

We were both full of fun

And we grew up together that way.

I remember the time at the old swimmin' hole

When I would have drowned beyond doubt

But old Shep was right there

To the rescue he came

And he jumped in and then pulled me out.

The years fast did roll

And old Shep he grew old

His eye sight was fast growing dim

It was then that the doctor looked at me and said,

"There's no more I can do for him, Jim."

With hands that were trembling

I picked up my gun

And I aimed it at Shep's faithful head

But I just couldn't do it

I wanted to run

And I wished that they'd shoot me instead.

He came to my side

And he looked up at me

And he laid his old head on my knee

I had struck the best friend that a boy ever had

And I cried till I scarely could see.

Now old Shep has gone where the good doggies go

And no more in the meadows we'll roam

But if dogs have a heaven

There's one thing I know

Old Shep has a wonderful home.

I hope dogs go to heaven and I hope Sessna and my dad are playing together again--just like they did when they were both here.

CHOICES

I am finding that as I go through my days now I am starting to look a little more for the good things rather than fussing about the small stuff. If I know I am going to write about something, I look for something good to write about.

Today is about a choice I had to make. Addie called this morning to see if I was feeling okay and could she ride the bus to my house after school -- of course she can. I love spending time with her but I find as I go through the day I start both dreading and looking forward to the time the bus will come. Dreading--she is infringing on the time I could be doing absolutely nothing and Looking Forward To--she is full of life and fun to have around and she really seems to like being at my house and deep down I don't want to miss out on grandma-granddaughter time. That would just be silly.

So here she came today full of excitement at getting 100% on a math test and getting a can of root beer as a reward and having a substitute teacher that gave her a pencil. And she gives such great hugs. She brought her American Doll magazine with a picture of a triple bunk bed her daddy is going to make for her and wanting to know if we could make the blankets and pillows. I assured her we could but we should wait until dad has it sized and in the works so we will know how big to make them. She was fine with that but a few minutes later she says, "Grandma, I want to learn how to sew. Will you teach me?" She knows the right heart strings to tug on.

My mom didn't sew much and I don't think I even thought of asking my grandma to teach me so my learning experience was a 4-H club and one of mom's dear friends, Nola Hepworth.

"You bet, sweetheart. What would you like to sew?"

She wanted to do a doll blanket. Straight seams--no problem. I drug out the material. She chose one she liked and I got out the sewing machine. I made some straight lines on a piece of paper so she could practice keeping the needle on the line and we were off on our own little adventure. Four crooked, stop and start over seams later (she could tell when she was getting off and would stop and fix it herself) we had ourselves a doll blanket--a small version of a baby receiving blanket and she loved it. I helped her sew a cute little fancy stitch around it and she took home her first sewing project. I took some pictures of her but can't get the camera's memory card to work so pictures are forthcoming.

Okay let's think about this--sitting all afternoon doing absolutely nothing because I don't want to do the dishes or clean the toilet OR a couple of hours with a little sponge soaking in everything she could about a new experience and then watching her take a new doll blanket home to HER special doll.

Thanks for the fun afternoon Angel Addie. I love you to the moon!
Oh, I did make the right choice.

LIVE LIKE YOU WERE DYIN'

On several occasions in my life I have had the opportunity to think about that statement. Several years ago one of my mom's very best friends, which meant our families were very close, got the dreaded cancer news. "There's spots in your back and in your lungs and..." At the time she was late 50's early 60's (about the age I am now) I remember Mom and I going to her house "to make her feel better". That was a joke. She made us feel better. As we sat and talked and cried and laughed, one thing that struck me was she is kind of lucky. She knows her time is limited and can make the necessary adjustments in her relationships so that when the time comes, she can feel she has done her best to live the way she wants and know that her family and friends know she truly loves them.

I on the other hand think I have all the time in the world and if Chad leaves in the morning without me telling him that I love him, that's okay because he will be home tonight and I can either tell him then or let it slip by again because I always have tomorrow.

Do we have tomorrow? There are absolutely NO guarantees on that one.

It was September 2007 that we found out my dad had colon cancer. He was gone March 8, 2008. Six months!!!

Now Chad and I have a friend--one of those really good friends that you have had since time began. The one that lived in the same ward with you, started kindergarten with you and ended high school with you kind of friend. About a year and a half ago, he had a seizure at work and ended up at the University Hospital in Salt Lake with a golf sized growth being taken out of his head. The dreaded C word. I have had a really hard time dealing with this for several reasons. One: I had just gone through the C word with my dad and he was DEAD--granted he was 83 but it was the cancer that got him. Two: he had made some really bad choices in his married life resulting in disfellowshipment one time and excommunication another time. His dear wife had stuck by him through it all including rebaptism and having his priesthood blessings restored and now he was putting her through HELL again. That was making me really, really angry. Three: he had a great job with good insurance, something that Chad and I do not have so I was jealous. Four: he was able to quit his job and go on disability which still gave him an income and could be with his wife 24/7, something Chad and I could never do so I was jealous again. I'm not looking at the fact that he is undergoing chemo and radiation and is sick and puking and losing his hair and... I am only thinking about my feelings.

Chad has spent as much time with him as possible, has talked to him at least once a day on the phone for the whole year and a half--being the friend that John (not his real name) really needs and it has made me angry. Angry because I am already angry with John and angry because I think Chad needs to spend that time with me.

I have a really hard lesson to learn here and me writing this in the blog is hopefully the first step. I totally need to live MY LIFE like I am dying. We visited with John and his wife (who by the way is a childhood friend too) during the holidays. I watched them as they sat together on the couch, holding hands and just being together. I had a KA CHING moment! A moment when I wasn't angry or jealous but happy for them that they had this time together to really be together now that the kids are gone. And that is what I want in my relationship with Chad and my family. Definitely not the illness but the love and togetherness. I am going to have to work harder at it than my friends are because Chad and I are still trying to make a living and still have separate agendas in some things. But if I truly try harder to live each moment like I am dying or Chad is dying or my family members are dying or my friends are dying, I think we can all have a richer more rewarding life.

I love Tim McGraw's song Live Like You Were Dying. Take a minute and read the words. Maybe we all need to think about this.

He said I was in my early forties, with a lot of life before me

And one moment came that stopped me on a dime

I spent most the the next days, looking at the x-rays

Talking 'bout the options and talking 'bout sweet times.

I asked him when it sank in, that this might really be the real end

How's it hit 'cha when you get that kind of news?

Man what did ya do?

He said--

I went skydiving

I went rocky mountain climbing

I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu

And I loved deeper

And I spoke sweeter

And I gave forgiveness I'd been denyin' (That's a whole blog in itself)

And he said some day I hope you get the chance

To live like you were dyin'

He said I was finally the husband, that most the time I wasn't

And I became a friend, a friend would like to have

And all of a sudden goin' fishin, wasn't such an imposition

And I went three times that year I lost my dad

Well I finally read the good book, and I took a good long hard look

At what I'd do if I could do it all again

And then

I went skydiving

I went rocky mountain climbing

I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man She

And I loved deeper

And I spoke sweeter

And I gave forgiveness I'd been denyin'

And he said some day I hope you get the chance

To live like you were dyin'

Like tomorrow was the end

And ya got eternity to think about what to do with it

What should you do with it

What can I do with it

What would I do with it

Skydiving

I went rocky mountain climbing

I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu

And man I loved deeper

And I spoke sweeter

And I watched an eagle as it was flyin'

And he said some day I hope you get the chance

To live like you were dyin'

Ya, know I don't need the chance to live that way--I just need to

DO IT!

I'm not a baseball player--Why the curve ball?

I have had this day planned for about a week now and it was going to be good. I will be going back to work full time next week until tax season is over so I was going to spend a little time with Brooke's girls-Cadence and Ashland. And I had promised Brooke I would help her take in some clothes that she needs that don't fit her anymore. Yesterday I had gone to Soda Springs with Chad to see a chiropracter and had my neck and back adjusted. I was good. I had thought about driving to Brooke's last night when we got home then discarded that idea for a good night's sleep in my own bed and the fact that Brooke has presidency meetings on Tuesday nights which sometimes last longer than recommended. So the plan--get up early and go to Idaho Falls, spend Wednesday and Thursday with Brooke and her family, love on (that's code for spoil) the girls, fix Brooke's clothes, watch Ashland on Thursday morning while Brooke teaches preschool and then be home for my boss' birthday lunch on Friday. This was such a good plan.

Then came the curve ball. Who is throwing these things anyway? I don't play baseball, never have, never will. I like to watch the World's Series each year but that is the extent of my baseball prowess. I played a tiny bit of softball many, many years ago when I was a young woman and each ward had a team during the summer. But I was not good at it and didn't really care to make a total fool of myself. (I can do that on my own. I didn't need a baseball bat to prove I am athletically challenged.) I woke up in the middle of the night soooo sick I wanted to cry. Had my back adjustment released a body full of toxins or did I have one of those 24 hour bugs? It didn't really matter what it was. I was sick! and how could I go to Brooke's and give the bug to her little family? I couldn't. I didn't even want to get out of bed. When the morning telephone call came and the little voice said "Come to my house, bombma?" I had to say no. Dang, I hate to tell a 2 year old NO.

So my fun day with the kids was spent in bed with a sick stomach and a headache.

Being flexible is an important and essential part of life.

I certainly didn't do what I wanted to today but it didn't change my eternal scheme of things. Brooke and the girls did fine without me and there are some days in the not so distant future that we can spend together.

The good news is that I think I hit that curve ball. I am doing better tonight and the best thing about it is that my granddaughters still love me even if I couldn't carry through with our perfectly laid plans. I love you too Cadence and Ashland.

You're doing WHAT????

I've been considering a blog for awhile. But look at me. I'm just an old grandma. Why would I ever want a blog and think anyone would want to read it anyway? Well this blog is for ME but you are sure welcome to read it if you want.

I recently found a book by Michael McLean (I truly love that man and I don't think Chad knows or cares) entitled Mission To Be Happy. That is what I want to be and this blog is going to help me.

I am NOT a journaler. I would really like to be and start each new year with a resolution to be one just so I can put down my thoughts and feelings and maybe on a not so good day go back and look at a pretty good day or vice versa. But I just can't do it. So this blog is going to be MY JOURNAL. I am definitely not someone special and important that has wonderful words of wisdom for the world. I'm just an ordinary person that has the daily bumps and trials of everyday life that I need to write down for me and perhaps somehow learn something from this day to day roller coaster I am on. Since I am now 59 you would think I would know alot about life by now, but each day I learn something new that I need to remember and could probably do that easier if I wrote it down and could go back and look at it now and again. And in this process of life and learning, if there is something that can perhaps help someone else then that is just a bonus.

So here I go on a new adventure and you are welcome to come along at anytime. One thing I ask of you is that if you see something you like or even disagree with, you will make a comment and help me by sharing your bumps and trials.

Good luck to us all.