LIVE LIKE YOU WERE DYIN'

On several occasions in my life I have had the opportunity to think about that statement. Several years ago one of my mom's very best friends, which meant our families were very close, got the dreaded cancer news. "There's spots in your back and in your lungs and..." At the time she was late 50's early 60's (about the age I am now) I remember Mom and I going to her house "to make her feel better". That was a joke. She made us feel better. As we sat and talked and cried and laughed, one thing that struck me was she is kind of lucky. She knows her time is limited and can make the necessary adjustments in her relationships so that when the time comes, she can feel she has done her best to live the way she wants and know that her family and friends know she truly loves them.

I on the other hand think I have all the time in the world and if Chad leaves in the morning without me telling him that I love him, that's okay because he will be home tonight and I can either tell him then or let it slip by again because I always have tomorrow.

Do we have tomorrow? There are absolutely NO guarantees on that one.

It was September 2007 that we found out my dad had colon cancer. He was gone March 8, 2008. Six months!!!

Now Chad and I have a friend--one of those really good friends that you have had since time began. The one that lived in the same ward with you, started kindergarten with you and ended high school with you kind of friend. About a year and a half ago, he had a seizure at work and ended up at the University Hospital in Salt Lake with a golf sized growth being taken out of his head. The dreaded C word. I have had a really hard time dealing with this for several reasons. One: I had just gone through the C word with my dad and he was DEAD--granted he was 83 but it was the cancer that got him. Two: he had made some really bad choices in his married life resulting in disfellowshipment one time and excommunication another time. His dear wife had stuck by him through it all including rebaptism and having his priesthood blessings restored and now he was putting her through HELL again. That was making me really, really angry. Three: he had a great job with good insurance, something that Chad and I do not have so I was jealous. Four: he was able to quit his job and go on disability which still gave him an income and could be with his wife 24/7, something Chad and I could never do so I was jealous again. I'm not looking at the fact that he is undergoing chemo and radiation and is sick and puking and losing his hair and... I am only thinking about my feelings.

Chad has spent as much time with him as possible, has talked to him at least once a day on the phone for the whole year and a half--being the friend that John (not his real name) really needs and it has made me angry. Angry because I am already angry with John and angry because I think Chad needs to spend that time with me.

I have a really hard lesson to learn here and me writing this in the blog is hopefully the first step. I totally need to live MY LIFE like I am dying. We visited with John and his wife (who by the way is a childhood friend too) during the holidays. I watched them as they sat together on the couch, holding hands and just being together. I had a KA CHING moment! A moment when I wasn't angry or jealous but happy for them that they had this time together to really be together now that the kids are gone. And that is what I want in my relationship with Chad and my family. Definitely not the illness but the love and togetherness. I am going to have to work harder at it than my friends are because Chad and I are still trying to make a living and still have separate agendas in some things. But if I truly try harder to live each moment like I am dying or Chad is dying or my family members are dying or my friends are dying, I think we can all have a richer more rewarding life.

I love Tim McGraw's song Live Like You Were Dying. Take a minute and read the words. Maybe we all need to think about this.

He said I was in my early forties, with a lot of life before me

And one moment came that stopped me on a dime

I spent most the the next days, looking at the x-rays

Talking 'bout the options and talking 'bout sweet times.

I asked him when it sank in, that this might really be the real end

How's it hit 'cha when you get that kind of news?

Man what did ya do?

He said--

I went skydiving

I went rocky mountain climbing

I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu

And I loved deeper

And I spoke sweeter

And I gave forgiveness I'd been denyin' (That's a whole blog in itself)

And he said some day I hope you get the chance

To live like you were dyin'

He said I was finally the husband, that most the time I wasn't

And I became a friend, a friend would like to have

And all of a sudden goin' fishin, wasn't such an imposition

And I went three times that year I lost my dad

Well I finally read the good book, and I took a good long hard look

At what I'd do if I could do it all again

And then

I went skydiving

I went rocky mountain climbing

I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man She

And I loved deeper

And I spoke sweeter

And I gave forgiveness I'd been denyin'

And he said some day I hope you get the chance

To live like you were dyin'

Like tomorrow was the end

And ya got eternity to think about what to do with it

What should you do with it

What can I do with it

What would I do with it

Skydiving

I went rocky mountain climbing

I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu

And man I loved deeper

And I spoke sweeter

And I watched an eagle as it was flyin'

And he said some day I hope you get the chance

To live like you were dyin'

Ya, know I don't need the chance to live that way--I just need to

DO IT!